I’ll start this post out with an apology, not so much to followers, but more to myself. As I looked it has been some time since I took the time to let my energies bring me to writing. I have no real idea why, but just some theories. The fact of the matter is I missed it and kept telling myself I need to make time to write, to let my imagination go, and to use the writing as self-therapy. I used the word therapy, and really, I’m not sure why other than writing is something that brings me joy.
I do also have one more apology here, as this is just me putting my fingers on the keyboard and doing the dance to create words. What comes out of this may likely be very freeing, and all over the place as I write this LONG overdue post. In truth, if I try to have an apology that needs to be written it is to the authors whose books I have to review. It’s to those authors that I owe the most severe of apologies.
I have looked back on the past year since I last posted and I try to think of what created this delay. It wasn’t the lack of time, as I could have made that easy enough. It wasn’t the lack of imagination or wanting to write at all. I’m sure wasn’t the sudden and untimely passing of my mother at the beginning of June 2022.
Regarding my mother, she surely was a unique woman who touched many lives. She was a retired teacher and still played the organ at the small church she attended. She was playing up to a few weeks before her passing. She was what I also call a Facebook addict as she did spend a lot of time on social media but in a good way. She would often post replies and comments on the posts of her friends, and family. It was a way for her to keep in contact with people and I know many have missed those comments from her. It’s due to that knowledge, and the lives she touched, that I realize she will live on in the memories of so many.
As I wrote those words about her, I can recall how she would complain when she could not see my social media posts and missed my blog posts. She’d always provide me with some constructive feedback on if she liked what I had written. There were times she would read a book review and ask me if I could find her a copy. I can still recall how an author was so kind to even send her a copy of their book for her to read. She preferred the physical version over reading on a device.
It is why yet again, I ask myself, why did I stop writing?
I took a moment to drink some water and continued to think if I had an answer.
I know that my ever-present internal demon, Multiple Sclerosis, has been under control. I have not had any major flair-ups, and issues over the period. I have even been able to stop glowing in the dark (insert laugh) as I had no need for an MRI for the past two years. This meant no injections of contrast in my body to ensure the MRI scan caught everything in the brain. Now, before anyone gets too concerned, no the dye injection wasn’t creating me to glow in the dark. However, when I stated that to my neurologist, she sure got a major laugh out of it.
So, again, why did I stop writing?
I have no real good response to that. As I let my find float and type these words, I have hundreds of thoughts popping into my mind. The mind that will not always go to sleep when it’s time for bed and keeps me awake continuing to think. The mind does not always want to shut down when it should. Is that a reason I ask? Nope, if anything it has been providing me with many ideas. I just have not put them down in any form. Who knows, I may have had enough to write my first book, but will never know.
I can say if there is anything I turn a bit to the bit of empath that I feel I am. What do I mean? I get the sense at times I can tell a bit about how someone else is feeling. It hits when someone is feeling down and depressed. I can say that it is not major but I can get that feeling from just reading some posts on social media, even for those who are trying to hide feelings. I get it from my loved ones as well, and thankfully it’s not so bad that I feel I should try and get a TV gig working in haunted places.
So, as I have been writing I am getting a bit more of a sense of things. I can only blame myself for being a caring person who keeps much of things hidden and to myself. I stopped being a person who would share my feelings with others. I can’t say that during those formative years of High School, I was bullied, but I did feel like an outcast. I know of a few times I’d get told this or that person like me only to find out it was a joke being played on me. I can say I was never the class stud, and I was fine with that. I was a geek, worked at the local radio station, read comic books, and kept to myself. I did not drink, did not smoke, and often kept to myself or a small core of people. I can say I trusted people and when things came back to bite me on my backside I closed up like so many and just kept things to myself. It’s likely why I do not keep in touch with anyone from those years, or college. Granted I won’t push blame at others as it was my hangups and not wanting to give more potential ammunition for the whispers and jokes.
Wow, I just unloaded a bit of internal conflict there, but back to what that all plays into the writing. I believe it is the fact that over the past few years, there has been so much going on in my sphere of the world and larger. The biggest being the pandemic known as Covid and all that came from that, which I won’t get into. The other factor is that I believe I was afraid to put my words out there and potentially offend someone and get “canceled”. I got to say that, I know that fear has me re-reading social media posts before posting.
So, here I am at a point I feel I can finish this posting and get it out there for people to see. I still have no true reason for why I stopped writing. There are just too many factors that likely grouped together that created me from stopping to express myself and doing something I enjoy. I thus feel that I need to get myself back into the groove of writing again. I have books to write reviews for, short stories to write, and share more about life and MS. It’s that time for me to re-introduce my writings to the web in the hopes that maybe someone will find them interesting, helpful, funny, and just maybe inspirational.