I am ending the year of 2014 with what must be my most personal of posts I have ever written on the blog. This one will get into some deep corners of my mind as I feel in sharing some of that darkness I may be able to bring some light to those who finish this long post. I say that as I will endeavor to show a positive that comes from dealing with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and depression. I will warn that this is a lot of free flowing thoughts and grammar may be bad. The intent is in the message not the grammar and I just had to get this written and shared before I lost my nerve.
The thing about MS is that it impacts every person diagnosed with the disease differently. There is a stigma that comes from a diagnosis. People will often see a diagnosis as a death sentence. Suffers may look normal but still need a handicap permit to shop due to the high fatigue. People will question and judge a person they see using one as they go, “What’s wrong with them”. It’s not fair but who says life is fair as if it was to be perfect there never would have been an apple tree in the Garden of Eden.
There are others who get the disease far worse than I. They may lose all mobility and end up on disability. They must give up some of the joys they had in life and face new challenges. Things like how to afford medication care and why are loved ones leaving me. I am fortunate as my MS I get fatigue, muscle spasms and yes the mood issues that can come with the disease.
This brings me to the first part of this post. I am writing this early in the morning when my mind will not shut off. I took my normal medication earlier in the evening and this is a side effect that has happened to me on rare occasions. The shot may have helped the muscle spasms I had been dealing with much of the past day but at same time it’s like I received a shot of adrenaline. I just cannot find any position to get comfortable in to sleep. My mind will not shut off and there are some lingering spasms that make it just as difficult to rest.
This is where the deep recesses of my mind are awoken. The trauma from a solitary existence in high school, my choice, led to darkness in college. This is where my first battle with depression came in. I became overwhelmed, and had to small of a support network to go to for help. I’m a larger person and never felt comfortable making friends as I heard some of the whispers in high school. I did get picked on but used my own humor to deflate some of those comments. I also was never one to be in the “popular” kids group as I saw more to life than partying, drinking and just screwing around. I was a social butterfly and that was my choice in life. It may be why I do not have many peer connections from that period in life left.
So thus came college, and what had worked for me in the past was not working so well. I fell into a DEEP depression and at one point even contemplated suicide. This will be a shock to any family members who read this as it’s not something I share. I am not going further into the why but I did get help and thus I am here today writing this post. I will add this is why I am a private person and often keep to myself and own devices. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me, but at the same time is it so hard for someone to ask how I am doing. This is not the time or place for that but it does bring feelings of guilt to the mind. What if I had made better attempts to communicate with people? I guess at this point I will take what I have in life and embrace what there is. Otherwise depression will try to come and claim me again.
The problem with MS is that for many of us depression is one of the side effects of the disease. It is in these dark periods of the night that thoughts come screaming to the front of the line. I have hundreds of questions racing in my mind. There are things I ask such as:
- Why me? I tried to be a good person. I pray to God and my prayers are not answered in the way I prayed. I ask for a family member’s pain to stop, and they die. How is that helping? Why?
- How is it there are people that are cruel to others doing so much better in life then me? Don’t I deserve some help? What have I done to be shunned? Is it fair?
- Why can’t I get a Go Fund me page and get some help? I mean others get them why not me? Oh yeah people probably thing I’m not worth helping as I’m a fat loser.
- Why must I go on living when all I want is peace and for the agony of life to stop?
The last of those questions is always the point I see a pinprick of light in that darkness. I see that light and I go racing towards it. I stop the angst and thoughts of shutting off from the world and scratch, crawl and fight my way toward that single point of light. The darkness will not take me. No I have not won the lottery. No I am not getting support from any government agency, or money falling from the sky. The problems of debt, self-doubt, self-loathing and pity have not gone from the mind. They instead are going back into that spot in my mind they need to be locked up within.
The muscle spasms of the night are still here. The unending feeling of energy keeping me from sleeping is still here. The one thing that is leaving is that darkness, that depression that fights to take control again. I am nowhere near a knife or anything that would allow me to do something stupid. I am too smart for that as I learned to overcome in college. I will not let those hard learned lessons from over twenty years ago be forgotten. I can scream in my mind about how God why have you shunned me. Why have you turned you back on one of your creations, but then I find peace. I realize there are so many of us on Earth that not all can be watched over at every moment in life.
If my faith is wrong and there is no higher power than it is up to us as humans to find our own way. It could be why each time I ask myself those questions, about God, that I realize that maybe exactly the plan for me. To find my own way in life like so many others have to do each day. It may not be what I want but it is the life I have and if I just stay positive good things will happen.
This is what happens as I reach that pinprick of light and start making it bigger. I take a sledgehammer and anything else I can find to make that light bigger. It’s like the morning sun crawling into the sky banishing the darkness to the corners of the word and brings warmth to all it touches. It’s how I see that light as positive energy that stops me from dwelling on the darkness. Instead I start to think what does this day have coming for me. How will I react to what comes my way and realize that each day I breathe is a new chance to start fresh and new again. It may not be the plan I have but I am here and it’s a new day.
If you made it this far you will see that although I am like so many others in life and those with MS, I have demons to battle. I am writing this to tell you…I will win! I will not let the depression and mood swings take me down as I am stronger than those. I have been on this Earth for over forty years now and want to go on being here longer. So bring on all that self-hatred and ridicule that may appear at night so that each morning it can be cleansed with the morning light. I may have tough choices ahead, my MS may get worse but I will not give into the darkness. I will find a way to scratch, crawl and fight my way to that pinprick of light. I will stay positive no matter what as everything has a reason we just have to find what that reason may be. As I say, “every cloud has a silver lining just sometimes you must rub through the tarnish to find it”.
I’m adding some late information as this was going to be posted during a lunch break today. This did not happen as unfortunately, after what I see as a big cluster F*$K this morning as work through a massive curve ball at me. It added to the fun from the lack of sleep and muscle spasms but guess what happened. As I was ready to scream at the world and let someone have it later in the morning I looked outside. What did I see but a beautiful sky with the sun shining through the clouds. There it was again the light I will always search for to stay positive and out of the dark.